Prudish Love

I’m writing out my life in a timeline, so to experience my story the way its supposed to be told, start at I Was That Girl In School… then proceed chronologically by post date.

It wasn’t the typical storybook love affair girls romanticize about by any means, but at the time, it was my fairytale.

We met on the school bus. I greeted him in the early hours when he first got on and asked him his name (this forwardness was, nor has it ever been, my thing, but on this particular bus, everyone was family). He was wearing ratty jeans and a tie-dye t-shirt topped off with a choker that showed off a Crush bottle cap (the orange soda…). Interesting. The next time I saw him was in the cafeteria during lunch. He was alone while I was sitting at a table with my fellow band geeks. I went over and invited him to our table; he agreed.

We developed a routine: greet each other and chat in the morning on the way to school, catch up during lunch, and recount the day’s happening in the afternoon on the way home. We even came up with our own little game to play to pass the time: Wispy-Fluffin. Don’t ask…

After a few months, I started developing feelings for this strange character. I started flirting a bit here and there, but he didn’t seem to notice (or care?). I even asked #3 to talk me up and put some pressure on him. What good that did… I finally gave up. I was happy with our friendship, so why push? Instead, I would incessantly talk about him to my best friend, saying how cute he was and how bad I wanted to be his girlfriend.

Finally, the day came! It was a warm spring afternoon. We got on the bus and landed in our regular seat when he turned to me and said:

“So… uh… I was wondering… if you wouldn’t mind, going out with me… But only if you want to.”

Swoon! My response: “Of course! What took you so long?” Suddenly, my head was filled with ricocheting thoughts. Is he going to ask me to prom? Will I be the only freshman at prom? He’s going to be graduating in like 3 months. What will happen to us? I was able to quiet that annoying little voice and enjoy actually being HIS girlfriend.

So Mystery Man became not so much a mystery any more; he became Boyfriend. I found out a little more about his past relationship (yup, he only had one other girlfriend). He told me that she was straight-up crazy and that she ended things with him abruptly. He also told me he’d never been kissed! He was 18 years old and he had never been kissed!? How cute!

A couple weeks after we first became a couple, his birthday came rolling up. He was turning 19. We were on the bus at the end of the day coming up to his stop. #3 had been nagging me about giving Boyfriend his ‘birthday present’ (I myself, did not know what he was talking about). As the bus began to slow at his stop, #3 stood up, and yelled, “Everyone needs to put your heads below your seat or I’m going smack it!” Of course everyone listened, except for us; we were both very confused. In a sea of what seemed like empty seats, there we were, alone, but not really. Then #3 obnoxiously asked, “Did you kiss him yet?”

That was all I needed. I turned to Boyfriend, and placed a delicate little peck right on his lips. As I withdrew, I told him Happy Birthday. As he was walking off the bus (blushing), the entire bus erupted with cheers and clapping. I, too, was embarrassed.

The years that followed were full of what I can only describe as prudish love. He was a product of 2 pastors, and he had an older brother that was the rebel of the family, so he assumed the role as the obedient offspring. His parents had divorced early in his life, so his views on marriage, love (the whole nine), where very biblical and archaic if you ask me. He wanted exactly the opposite type of marriage his parents had, which is understandable, but that’s where ‘our talk’ tended to stop.

I was a young woman who had been in a committed relationship to someone I cared for immensely, so what do you think that would lead to…? Sex, maybe? Yes, definitely! Or at least in my mind…

Sure, we had reached a level of ‘heavy petting,’ if you will, but I wanted more. I wanted to have that connection with him; I wanted to express my love for him the best way I saw fit: by losing my virginity to him, but his feelings were not mutual. Why? He said he wanted to wait until after I graduated high school because he didn’t want an ‘accident’ to occur while I was still in school. Being naïve, and very much in love, I agreed.

Then I graduated, and you know what?… I was so eager to finally engage in the dance between the sheets with Boyfriend. At this point, we had been together for 3 years, and after our conversation, I looked at it almost like a reward. Yay! I graduated high school! I’m onto the most exciting part of my life (college), and am finally going to get jiggy-with-it!… Yeah, I went there.

So there we were, in his dwelling: low light, soft music, heavy petting, and then we stopped, abruptly. He said he didn’t want to lead me on. Um… what? He admitted that he was saving himself for marriage, and that he should have told me a while ago, but he couldn’t find the words. I myself, was at a loss for words. So what does someone do when this kind of revelation is thrust into existence, and can’t quite verbalize what they are feeling? Burst into tears, of course. I became distraught. Being the girl that I am, I didn’t take his words at face value. It was obvious that this wasn’t about him at all. Instead, he just didn’t want to have sex with me. He didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore. Three years, down the drain. But that wasn’t the case. He was being sincere. He went on talking about his “moral code” and that this was something very important to him. After I got out of my own head, I believed him; not that I liked what he was saying, but he wasn’t breaking things off.

Then I started to feel resentment and anger. Why the hell would he carry on a relationship with me for that fucking long, knowing full well what I wanted out of the relationship, if he was never gonna give it up!? When I expressed my indignation of the situation, he started belittling me and making me feel like the bad guy by saying things like: “You pressured me…” “You said ‘I love you’ way too fast…” So why am I just hearing about your reservations now!?

Yes. I was hurt, but I still loved him. And eventually, we moved past it; back to the prudish love that was our relationship.

…And that’s just the half of it; the relationship that is.




4 thoughts on “Prudish Love

  1. I know a lot of relationships that have met with trouble when one party didn’t detail their expectations. It’s a pretty common issue, and I think a lot of people can relate. Thanks for sharing!


  2. Awww omg that story started out so cute and then ended so badly!! This is why I’m so upfront about my waiting with guys. I don’t want to be that type of person who is in a relationship for so long and then just be like “oh yeah, ps, now that you’re emotionally involved and we’re actually in the middle of a relationship, sexy times are not going to happen.”

    Liked by 1 person

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