I’m writing out my life in a timeline, so to experience my story the way its supposed to be told, start at I Was That Girl In School… then proceed chronologically by post date.
Often times, when I was working on assignments at Boyfriend’s, The Recluse would come over to visit. At first, I welcomed the distraction from school work. We would spend some time shooting the breeze until I felt my second wind coming, in which time I would politely excuse myself back to my work, and usually he would get the hint and move on. But more frequently he would stay and ask about the type of school material I was working on and if he could help me study. I humored him a few times letting him quiz me on Spanish vocabulary or Geology terms.
After our visits, The Recluse became more and more adamant about his hugs goodbye. Then there was the time that he kissed me. He apologized almost immediately saying that he had an overwhelming desire to kiss me as a way of saying thank you. He said that no one had given him the time of day, especially since his release from prison, and that he looked forward to seeing my smiling face on a regular basis. I took his words as a compliment, but I knew the situation was nefarious.
Was it my naivety that kept me blind to the signs? Was it the part of me that saw the good in everyone that prevented me from telling someone?
Since the beginning of our relationship, Boyfriend and I hadn’t gone longer than a week without seeing each other, so when he told me that he was going to drive halfway across the country to a festival with some guy he worked with, I wasn’t very happy. Or was it the fact that he got to take a 2 week vacation while I’m stuck between working 2 jobs and school. Or that the guy he was traveling with was a misogynistic asshole whom I never liked. Whatever the reasoning, I wasn’t thrilled that he was leaving. Plus, things between us still weren’t 100% since his admission of celibacy. It definitely caused a riff in our relationship, but neither of us wanted to talk any more on the subject. So off he went.
Maybe it was Boyfriend’s absence that gave him courage… Maybe in all honesty, he thought I was leading him on…
Then it happened. I was in Boyfriend’s trailer working on an assignment when The Recluse came over and let himself in (first sign). He would usually knock on the door or text asking if he could stop by; never unannounced. He had a strange look on his face so I asked him what was going on. Without responding, he came up to me and grabbed me (second sign). He lifted me out of my seat and started kissing me. I tried to push away from him, but I was cornered. He stopped just long enough to go over to the door and switch the lock in place (third sign). Being in a trailer, there was no other way out. At this point, my body started shaking.
Run. But where? How? Okay, don’t run. Do whatever he wants you to do. Can I? Maybe someone saw him come in…
He grabbed my arm and dragged me to the bed where he pushed me down and shoved his hands up my skirt. After he removed my panties, he started taking off his pants with one hand pressing down on my torso so I couldn’t move.
“Why are you doing this? Please stop! I won’t tell anyone if you just leave now. Please don’t do this…”
It wasn’t until he had his way with me and left that I started to cry. I was in Boyfriend’s bed feeling exposed to the world, yet very much alone, sobbing, wishing it was all a nightmare that I would soon wake from. I never woke up. This was real. It happened. Just weeks before, I was hoping to lose my virginity to the man that I loved; to the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Now? My virginity was stolen from me. The one thing in life that every girl is given and told early on to hold on to as long as possible and to only share with that one special person. I would never get that chance. I was soiled. I was damaged goods. And knowing Boyfriend’s stance on sex now, he’s not going to want to be with me anymore.
My phone went off with the shrill notification tone that alerted me to a new message. Hoping it was from Boyfriend, but at the same time, dreading it was from Boyfriend, I slid off the bed, stepped over my panties that were laying on the floor, and staggered over to where my phone was laying. Through the tears, I read on the screen: Message – The Recluse.
“DON’T YOU DARE TELL ANYONE WHAT JUST HAPPENED. IF YOU DO, I WILL MAKE SURE EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CAME ON TO ME.”
His word against mine, who’s story will people believe? Boyfriend is going to be furious if he finds out that I’m not a virgin anymore. He’s going to hate me. He’s going to break up with me. If I don’t say anything like The Recluse says, nothing bad will happen, right…?