Not Again. Not Ever.

I’m writing out my life in a timeline, so to experience my story the way its supposed to be told, start at I Was That Girl In School… then proceed chronologically by post date.

So I have a secret. Who doesn’t? Well… not many people have quite the unsettling secret that I have. Should I tell someone? Should I risk everything in the hopes that everyone believes me over him? As long as I stay away from him, I will be fine. He can’t hurt me anymore. What if I do tell and they believe him? Everyone will hate me. Everyone will blame me. They will think I’m a slut. Boyfriend will breakup with me and life as I know it will end. I don’t want him to leave me. I love him. And boyfriend’s family… especially his mom… she never seemed to like me. This will give her even more reason not to like me.

These were among the thousands of thoughts that would pulse through my head at every waking moment. I was miserable inside, but I hid it. I was good at putting on a ‘show.’ Everyone who knew me knew that I was always upbeat and bubbly. I always had a smile on my face and a lighthearted personality. I couldn’t let on that I wasn’t okay because then they would ask questions. Are you okay? What’s wrong? Do you want to talk?

Yes I want to talk, but I can’t. He told me not to, or else… and I believe him.

It wasn’t long after the unforgettable, unforgivable deed that he texted me again.

“ON SECOND THOUGHT, LET’S DO IT AGAIN. MEET ME AT MY PLACE. IF YOU DON’T, I WILL TELL.”

“I can’t” was all that I could say. Not again. Not ever.

“YES YOU CAN AND YOU WILL! WHEN {BOYFRIEND} COMES BACK, I WILL LEAVE YOU ALONE AND NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW.”

Maybe once more? He said he will leave me alone when Boyfriend is back. That’s tomorrow. Can I let him do it one more time? No one will ever know. He’s going to tell if I don’t.

“You promise?”

“YES. SEE YOU LATER.”

When I was finished with work, I headed over to Boyfriend’s, dropped off my books and laptop, then over to The Recluse’s. He watched me pull in the driveway and was waiting for me at the door. As soon as I was inside, he shut the door and told me to get undressed. I didn’t say anything the whole time I was there. I stripped; silence. He started kissing my body: silence. He led me to his bed: silence.

This time, he wanted me to pleasure him with my mouth. I looked at him, pleading with my eyes not to make me do it.

“IF YOU DON’T, I WILL TEXT HIM RIGHT NOW AND TELL HIM THAT YOU’RE WITH ME. THAT YOU’RE CHEATING ON HIM WITH ME. DO YOU WANT THAT?”

Tears started to roll down my face as I took him in my mouth.

This will all be over soon. Just this last time. No one will ever have to know….

Once he finished, he took me in his arms. “AHH… MY FAVORITE PART: CUDDLING” he said. I laid there in his arms, muffling my cries; my naked body quivering against his.

I pulled myself away saying that I had to get to class. As I was getting dressed, he continued to lay in his bed, watching me and grunting, commenting on my physique and about how much he would miss me, miss my body. Once clothed, I ran out the door, my face buried in my hands. What have I done? I grabbed my things and left. I couldn’t go to class that night. I couldn’t keep my composure. I wanted to take a shower to rid myself of his stench. I wanted to curl up in a ball in my room, shut the door and weep. I cried myself to sleep that night and awoke the next morning by my phone. Message- Boyfriend: “Good morning babe. I miss you. Can’t wait to see you tonight.” I smiled.