The ‘How To’ No One Asked For

How To: Becoming the Health Department’s Greatest Pain in the Ass During a Pandemic. 

As you may or may not know I work for my local health department. Yes. We’ve been quite busy for the past, oh I don’t know, 9 months what with a global pandemic and all and we’ve had to deal with a lot of crazy. And I mean an absurd amount.

I have 70 other coworkers and I’m sure they’ve all had their fair share of psycho experiences, but let me just give you a glimpse into my most insane interactions.

I was working logistics at one of our drive thru testing sites when a woman came through on a bicycle. Since she was entering into our secured COVID testing site, I tried to flag her down to send her away from possible contamination (!), but she responded to my wave with profanity. She all but hurled your momma insults at me as she blew past. I had to send a sheriff deputy after her. I thought she was mad trespassing past me; that was nothing compared to the verbal lashing I received while she passed by me the second time on her way out. The deputy asked if I wanted to press charges and have her arrested if that gives you any indication of my torment. I took the high road…

At another testing site, one of our volunteers decided she would take it upon herself to be the traffic controller. Well the officer whose sole purpose for being on our testing site didn’t take too kindly being bossed around by some loud-mouth lady waving her hands in his face. I had to deescalate what could have been a very interesting brawl between, and let me reiterate with more of a written flourish–a volun-freakin-teer and a police officer who had a gun, a taser, and a ‘you best be steppin’ attitude. I separated them for the rest of the day and gave the cop a cookie as a symbol of gratitude and apology; he gladly accepted. 

Since the pandemic began, my office has established a separate phone line for a COVID call center. We advertise heavily that if people need to get tested, have questions or concerns, or just need a friendly voice to speak to during these trying times, to call our hotline and we’d be happy to help–you know, topnotch customer service and shit. So along with all of our regular duties and testing events, we are scheduled on a rotation to work the call center. Most of the calls I’ve intercepted are cordial with very appreciative citizens and offer praise of the great services we’re providing to our community at large. Most of the time…

At the end of a long day of working the call center, I answered a call from a concerned business owner. She reported that she read of Facebook (oh joy) that there was a wylie COVID positive shopper stopping into local shops not wearing a mask and she was worried she would come in contact with him. As I started to talk to her about her options, she cut me off. She wanted immediate assistance, not suggestions from some “bureaucratic paper pusher who was assigned phone duty for the day.” I just had to remind myself: Customer service and shit…

I started to tell her again that she had the right to lock her doors and I was once again interrupted to be berated by this woman for a good long while. The phone call ended when I told her I would have my superior call her with better judgement on her given situation and she abruptly hung up on me. I passed her information on to said superior, returned to my office, shut the door, and broke down in tears. 

That may have been the first time I was hung up on and verbally assaulted while working the call center, but it sure hasn’t been the last; I’ve just developed a thicker skin. Kudos to me I guess…


Proceeding to the real How To: Becoming the Health Department’s Greatest Pain in the Ass During a Pandemic… 

Before I show you exhibit A&B let me just preface this by stating: local health departments not only permit restaurants and hotels with food licenses, they also permit childcare facilities, and when businesses are in violation of any health department mandates (such as the current masking and social distancing ones), we have the power to terminate said licensure. In response to our recent power move…

Exhibit A
Exhibit B

Don’t be like Pastor Steve. Steve is a fuckwitt and a menace to his community–let me correct that: a menace to my community. We are working our asses off trying to keep people safe and informed and this heap of human garbage is not only refusing to follow state mandates, but is filling people’s heads with this nonsensical bullshit and for what…? To prove a point? To throw a tantrum because he believes conforming is submitting to the Devil himself?

People are dying. Everyday. Around the world.

Whatever happened to love thy neighbor?

We’re all sick of this virus and how it’s affected our lives, but I’m sick of all the assholes who feel their freedom of choice in this life or death matter is more important than the safety of others. Fuck off with your superiority complex.

And with that I will leave with this simple request demand: Wear your goddamn mask.

6 thoughts on “The ‘How To’ No One Asked For

  1. Honestly I hate people like that pastor! He brings a bad name to Christians and it really sucks. The church I was attending for three years opened its doors almost as soon as it was allowed to. First just to deacons and elders for a few weeks while they organized themselves and then to everyone. I personally haven’t been but I don’t see the need for them to be open. Their online services are not enjoyable though LOL my dad’s church is HORRIBLE! Basically the pastor is saying the same thing, its a hoax and theres no need for masks and God will protect the faithful etc etc. He also is a Trump supporter so what can you expect really?

    Keep up the great work Bex! The world needs more people like you xoxoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    • You are too sweet. Thank you for your kindness–I needed that today. ❤

      Since this letter has become so public, we had another Christian school reach out to us and say: "…please let everyone know how much we appreciate everything you all are doing and for the help that you have given us to help stay open during COVID. Extremism is NOT shared by [all] and unfortunately that behavior is what gives people a bad view of Christian schools."

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I seriously wonder how often God looks down at the people who call themselves Christians and just shakes His head. I know I don’t live in your area anymore, but I’m close enough. So thank you for what you and all your coworkers are doing throughout all this. You’re putting yourselves on the line in an attempt to fight this war that we are so obviously losing… a war that we could easily be winning if morons like Steve would do their part instead of whining about their personal freedoms. Pretty sure Jesus would want Steve (and everyone else, for that matter) to show a little more compassion and respect to their fellow human being by following a few very simple rules in the short term so we’re not all forced to live in bubbles in the long term. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… If stupidity was a fatal disease it would be the number one killer in America.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What the AF? This isn’t a church but a bat shit crazy cult. I feel bad for his ass hole followers. I’m still in disbelief of what I just read and I may have to dig a bit deeper to see the level of craziness that were dealing with here. OMG!

    Liked by 2 people

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