He’s at it again folks; stirring the pot to rile up this dysfunctional blogging family of ours. ‘Tis the season for family disputes I suppose. Paul has brought us this festive quiz to ring in the holiday season and round out this year of competition. Let’s get right into it, shall we?
THE 10 QUESTIONS
1. Santa Claus is on a health kick this holiday season. Instead of milk and cookies, what snacks would you leave out for him? When I’m on a health kick, the best foods to eat are healthy options that are ready and available; hence why meal prepping is key for lots of health conscience individuals. As such I would provide an array of options for sir Clause. I myself have recently discovered my affinity for hummus so a smorgasbord of different types of hummus (red pepper, garlic, lemon, etc.) along with a variety of things to dip into said humus like carrots, celery, bell peppers, cucumbers, pretzels, and pita chips,. As for some sweet options I would leave some dark chocolate covered peanuts/almonds, frozen cotton candy grapes, bananas pre dipped in chocolate or peanut butter, and one of my favorites this season, some white chocolate peppermint popcorn. He would have access to a fully stocked coffee bar to make a suitable beverage for himself as well as some bottled water to take with him to maintain hydration for the remainder of his route. I would also provide ‘reindeer bags’ (similar to doggy bags), so he can share some goodies with his herd as well.
2. Picture your 8-year-old self. You are home alone during the holidays, when burglars try to break in to your house. What do you do? Hmmm… I would have loved to pull a Kev Mac and booby trap the hell out of my house complete with my brother’s micro machines, my mom’s clothes iron, and some motor oil from my dad’s garage, but that would likely not be feasible in such a short amount of time. Most likely I would have stealthily escaped either through the back door or a window in one of the bedrooms and ran to my best friend’s house next door. It just so happened that my best friend when I was 8 years old was my 72 year old neighbor; she definitely would have known what to do. Call 911? Probably. Walk over to the scene of the crime brandishing a handgun while yelling turn of the century (20th century, not 21st) insults like munz-watcher or fat head? Almost certainly! No matter the outcome, that would definitely be the topic of conversation during our weekly post-church lunch date over sausage biscuits.
3. Have you ever bought a gift for someone else that you wanted to keep for yourself? If so, what was it? I am a self proclaimed amazing gift giver, so there have been many gifts that I would have gladly accepted for myself. A tip from me to you: subscription boxes are a great default–the gift that literally keeps giving. I’ve given my husband a 6 month cigar subscription and my dad a 6 month scotch subscription. As far as presentation for a subscription box I like to write a poem for them to read. A couple years back my family and I surprised mom with a cruise complete with a rhyming scavenger hunt that ended with her crying in the bathroom (you can read about it here). Experiences are so much better than material things in my opinion and getting the gift of a worry free, thought out vacation… yes please!
4. Which would you rather build: a snowman or a snow fort? Explain your decision. Snow fort, but not your typical snow fort. When one thinks of a snow fort, there are typically snow balls and children involved-not with my fort! My fort will be igloo-esque with a domed roof and an entrance you have to crawl through. Once inside you can cop a squat on one of the many wool blanket covered air mattresses and enjoy the ambiance of twinkle lights strung up and around the ceiling while sipping on a hot chocolate you curate yourself at the cocoa bar in the back. There would be a small folding table in the middle with board and card games and candles sprinkled around. Yeah, that sounds quite nice…
On another note, the last time I built a snowman, my brother had a nose bleed and covered my poor snow person in blood clots. To say I’m slightly traumatized is an understatement.
5. It is your job to remind others to drive safely in treacherous winter conditions. Write a Public Service Announcement that will play on the radio this winter. In the voice of an action movie trailer guy… Coming this winter: blizzards, black ice, and Bubba the snowplow driver. Multicar pile ups, spinouts, abandonments, subzero temperatures, snot. These are just some of the hazards on the horizon when you make your way outside this season. If you must leave the comfort of home, do so with a clear mind and don’t forget your mittens; frostbite can be fatal. Don’t believe me? Ask Bubba’s brother Hank. EXCEPT YOU CAN’T! HANK’S DEAD BECAUSE HE FORGOT HIS MITTENS! Always remember: click it or ticket, alert today–alive tomorrow, lefty loosey, righty tighty, and nothin’ says lovin’ like something from the oven.
6. There is a holiday party at your workplace and everyone must bring in one dish of food to share. What are you bringing? I actually had a workplace holiday party last week and I brought deviled eggs, but not just any deviled eggs; my MOM’s deviled eggs. If there were ever awards given to the best deviled egg, she would have them all for every year consecutively; that’s how bomb they are. At this point it’s like a secret family recipe (read: not in any way measured and slightly different every time), but to give a bit of insight, the filling includes: yellow mustard, white vinegar, sugar, salt, and mayo. This was my first attempt at making them myself and they turned out really good, but… I unknowingly stuck them in a freezer when I got to the party location and didn’t find out in time–my eggs froze. I served 30 frozen deviled eggs and came home with 13, but that didn’t faze me one bit as I got to enjoy the rest after they defrosted.
If I were to bring a sweet dish instead of savory though, my go-to is a cookie pizza. The crust is made of sugar cookie dough, the sauce is a cream cheese whipped cream mixture, and is topped with a variety of fruit. If I want to keep it festive, I’d stick with sliced strawberries and kiwi (maybe in the shape of a holiday wreath), but I’ve used other fruits like blueberries, bananas, pineapple, grapes, and tangerine. You really can’t go wrong with a dessert pizza.
7. Someone got you a hippopotamus for Christmas because you insisted, “only a Hippopotamus will do”. How did they give it to you? I like the idea of naming things that are other things. I had a bunny named Pumpernickel like the bread. I have a pact with myself that if I were to ever get a cat (outdoor because I’m allergic), it has to be orange so I can name it Queso and rescue a brown dog and name it Bean Dip (Beanie for short) and they would be the bestest of pals. I already have 2 dogs and they are more than a handful, so I don’t need another, but ever since I lost my bun man, there has surely been a hole in my heart.
I could image my husband and I making eye contact while I sing “only a Hippopotamus will do” and he take it very seriously. But really a hippo would be a nightmare to acquire logistically, not to mention the cost associated with feeding and the spatial requirements to ethically and humanely house a hippo, so he would instead get me a bunny and name him Hippopotamus (Hippo for short). I could imagine him putting Hippo in a cardboard box with some carrots and greens to keep him occupied and happy then immediately giving me the box to open. When I open the box I would find the sweetest little fuzz ball with a piece of nibbled paper next to him stating: “Hello, My name is Hippo”. I think I would cry.
8. What advice would you give someone who isn’t good at wrapping presents? The default answer would be bag it and tag it, and while there are some cute gift bags, most of them are just plain distasteful. I like aesthetics and making things look nice. I typically have a theme for my wrapping paper every year so my presents don’t look like a jumbled mess. This year everything is wrapped in brown paper with neutral colored/metallic ribbon and bows. When there are competing patterns and colors my brain gets overwhelmed. For a present wrapping novice, my advice would be to dress up the gift with some ribbon and a bow and call it finished.
Better yet, wrap/cover the gift with another gift. Example: I’m gifting my dad a gift card this year and since I don’t want to wrap just a gift card, I’ve buried the card in candy inside a mason jar. I’ve smacked a bow on it and a tag with instructions to ‘go fish’ (the card is for Bass Pro Shop and is buried in Swedish Fish).
9. In the movie, Home Alone, Kevin McCallister says, “Be sure to bundle up if you go outside. It’s a little nippy.” How do you stay warm when it’s cold? If I’m staying warm while outdoors, a hat and gloves are essential (along with a good, thick jacket and insulated boots of course). If it’s for a prolonged period of time outside, I’ve become quite the handwarmer enthusiast. Earlier in the year when we were holding mass vaccination clinics outdoors, we were provided handwarmers; that’s when my affinity began. As you can tell, it was a great experience.
If I’m trying to ward of the cold indoors, I do so with a large fluffy blanket, a hot water bottle (that I’ve likely stolen from my husband), slippers, hot tea (or cocoa if I’m feeling feisty), and a roaring fireplace.
10. Are you a Dasher or a Dancer? Why? Dasher when sober, Dancer when inebriated. I’m not sure there is really much explanation needed, but I’m not a dancer; it’s just not a passion of mine, but get me liquored up and I will make any open space my dancefloor. I go to the gym 3-4 times a week and frequent the elliptical which is the closest thing to
running dashing I do, but I do so more than drinking dancing.
1. Santa is about to put you on the naughty list this year. Convince him he’s making a mistake and that you were a good person in 2021. So working as a Public Health servant during a global pandemic doesn’t automatically exempt me from the naughty list…? Is that what I’m hearing? Personally hand delivering vaccines, coordinating homebound visits for those who are unable to leave their house or in some cases, their bed, scheduling thousands upon thousands of appointments for concerned citizens to get their shots… Is this because I said I might be a Satanist because that would be very closeminded of you, Santa. If that’s all it takes to make your naughty list and for all of my good deeds done this year to be overshadowed, then I don’t want to be apart of your list; good or bad! I demand to be removed from your list. What’s that…? There was a clerical error and I am in fact on the nice list… I thought so.
2. There have been allegations that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was bullied by his fellow reindeer. The North Pole calls you in to give the reindeer a stern talking-to. What do you say? Well I grew up with tough love which worked for me so my talking-to would go something like…
Listen here you little shits. Making fun of anyone for any reason is not acceptable. No one is making fat jokes about Santa (
to his face). Why? Because he brings us presents and if he’s unhappy, no one gets presents! But also because it’s not okay. Cupid, what if people started calling you Stupid Cupid; how would that make you feel? And Vixen, don’t even get me started… your name is literally the definition of a “sexually attractive female”. Is that the legacy you want to leave? Would you like people to call you hussy, harlot, big tits, sugar lips, piece of ass? You would!? Then I think you’re in the wrong profession. What about you Prancer… would you like people to start calling you twinkle toes? Of course not!
And here’s something else to mull over… What’s something that most serial killers have in common? They were bullied when they were younger. You don’t want Rudolph to grow up and murder you and your friends because you all bullied him about his nose, do you? Then knock it off!
3. On the television show, The OC, Seth Cohen created Chrismukkah as a way to celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah. Meanwhile, on Seinfeld, George Costanza’s family celebrates Festivus – a secular and non-commercial holiday – on December 23. Create your own alternate winter holiday and tell me all about it. What’s it called? What are the traditions? Who can celebrate? There is a Danish word that means: the feeling of being cozy, happy and safe; the process of creating an environment that people love to be in. That word is hygge (pronounced hoo-ga). Think a roaring fireplace, twinkle lights, your favorite warmed beverage, comfy clothes, fluffy blankets, snow gently falling outside the window… that all encompasses hygge; the feeling of warmth and stress-free contentment. Many people experience a similar feeling around the holidays, but then there’s children screaming or the realization that the presents aren’t wrapped or that you’re missing an important ingredient for Christmas dinner or dread suddenly falls over you when you remember that one family member is coming and you would really just rather not. I love spending time with my family, but as an introvert I value my alone time as well. On Hygge Day (which occurs on the last Friday in January), people ‘celebrate’ by taking time for themselves and basking in their own version of hygge. It may look different for everyone and that’s part of the beauty of this holiday; you can make your own traditions. Want to spend all day in bed reading? Do it. Want to gather your closest buds and hold a rousing tournament of Mario Party? It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but go for it. Want to light some candles and run yourself a bubble bath then dry off wrapped in a cuddly robe while doing a puzzle? Sounds lovely. The point of the holiday is to take time for yourself. Everyone can celebrate and in the spirit of celebration, people can wish one another Happy Hygge Day! Gifts are not required, but a nice candle or box of chocolates exchanged between friends to encourage a nice Hygge Day would not be frowned upon. It’s meant to just be a stress free day with no obligations to work, family, or society as a whole.