A Letter II

Since my Letter to my Ex was so therapeutic for me, I decided to write a similar letter to my ex best friend…

You were the nerdy trumpet player who wore glasses and had braces, but some how rocked it. You were the first person in our drivers ed class to get your license, but asked me questions when you didn’t know the answers. You told me I was the girl that all the other girls were jealous of. You were told to hate me, but we became fast friends instead. You played volleyball and convinced me to join the team. You rode horses and invited me to the barn any chance we got. We went to prom together. We graduated high school together and ended up at the same university where we received the same degree. 

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There was the time you told my mom you ‘thanked me in bed’ the night before for inviting you for a sleep over. The time you planted a kiss on me when our boyfriends were distracted by a squirrel. The time we went skinny dipping. The time I taught you how to snowboard. The time we went to Disney World and got in our biggest fight, but made up on the 16 hour bus ride back home. The time we crashed a 9 year old’s pool party. The time I tried to teach you how to drive a manual and we got the attention of a group of guys playing basketball when you spun out, causing the tires to screech. The time I came to your rescue after you became stranded in knee-deep water on a float because you refused to put your feet in after you swore a fish touched you. The time my brother gave you a Yoohoo, which, to me, meant you were part of the family.

You were there for me when I was dumped because I was raped. You assured me that I was strong enough to move on. You encouraged me to not give up even though I wanted to. You took the witness stand in my defense during my trial, and for that I will be eternally grateful.

Remember when you called me at 1am, crying, asking if you could come visit? I couldn’t understand what you were saying because you were so upset, but I invited you over so I could be your friend; so I could hold you up when you were feeling down; so I could promise you that things were going to get better.  No one saw it coming… what started off as an innocent prank among friends turned into a hostage situation. You expressed how afraid you were of losing your life that night. I empathized with you and comforted you until morning.

You were my weekly bingo buddy (or was I yours?). Like two grannies in a retirement community, we took bingo seriously. You cheered when I won and got mad when I was one number away from winning, but didn’t. I had to scream like Tarzan to win a pair of sweat pants that were 2 sizes too big and you wouldn’t let me live it down. I got up on the table, took my jacket off and waved it around my head as I screamed ‘I have B.O.’ to win a single serve blender and you were proud of me. I miss those nights.

You planned a party for your own 21st birthday, and became distraught when no one could make it. I was there, though. I took it upon myself to make that night a memorable one with Coconut rum, a dip in the hot tub, and ordering a pizza at 2am. We ended up getting drunk (a sign of a good 21st celebration) and you kissed a frog hoping for the inevitable miracle. It didn’t happen, but it didn’t need to; we had fun, just the two of us, as usual.

You got me on the typical ‘college white girl’ bandwagon of going to yoga every week. Though I did yoga by myself, you swore that an actual class was so much better, and with you by my side, it totally was. Between our giggle fits of witnessing each other’s poor postures and non-existing balancing abilities and actually taking it seriously, we had a blast. Then there was the time you got the hiccups while we were supposed to lay as still and as quiet as could be. I couldn’t stop laughing. And that other time, you became so relaxed, you fell asleep and started snoring. You were right: yoga at home is nothing like yoga class with my best friend.

Everywhere we went, people mistook us for a lesbian couple. That’s the ultimate sign of being best friends, right? It didn’t help when I referred to you as my ‘partner’ that one time at that restaurant. But hey, no harm, no foul, or is it don’t ask, don’t tell?

I’m sorry I couldn’t be that shoulder for you to cry on when your boyfriend had the accident. I can only image what it was like to find out he accidentally shot himself. I wanted to be there for you. I really did. No one should experience death like that; abrupt and alone. You told me that you could have seen yourself marrying him, but instead, you met his family at his funeral. It was no one’s fault, which might be the reason it hurt so badly; that you couldn’t blame anyone. I did the best I could at a distance and hoped that was enough.

We share so many crazy, happy, depressing, hysterical stories together, and now…? You don’t answer my texts. You don’t wish me a Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas like you used to. I know nothing about you now. Are you still with that guy you introduced me to a year and a half ago the last time I saw you? Do you still drive your aqua blue van or have you gotten the Jeep of your dreams? Are you still living with your parents? Are you still a Wedding Planner?

What happened?

I always answered your calls and sat there on the line while you rambled for hours on end about your new boyfriend, your old boyfriend, your mom pissing you off, your guinea pig that refused to die… I texted you when I had something to say; not forcing conversation because that’s not who I am. Did I need to talk to you on a daily basis? Did you need that kind of attention from me? I would have given it to you if you had just asked.

We were the best of friends one second, then nothing more than acquaintances that shared some memories the next. I understand that me moving 200 miles away put a strain on our friendship, but I was still there for you 100%. I miss being able to share my life with you, even at afar. I liked looking forward to seeing you, though not knowing exactly when that would be. I liked having you in my life, even if that meant catching up over a meal once a year.

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Why did you chose him over me? Why did you believe him over me? We were best friends before he was even in the picture. Why did you push me away like I meant nothing to you? I feel like you didn’t even give me a chance. You didn’t even want to know my side of the story.  You believed me all the other times; why not this time? Did I do something to hurt you? I don’t remember doing anything for you to become upset with me. Can I apologize anyways? Can I tell you I miss you and have everything go back to how it was?

You realize he never really liked you, right? He found you annoying and shallow. I defended you to him over and over. I hated having to tell him to stop speaking badly about you; that you were my best friend. He questioned my friendship with you and I stood my ground. Why didn’t you do the same?

I wish we could go back to being us; the way it used to be; even before I moved away. I miss you terribly, and it’s sad to think that the feeling isn’t mutual. Maybe it is. But I wouldn’t know…

If you could answer me one question, it would be: Why did it end? Is it because you found out that I broke up with him? Is it because you found out that I had been unfaithful? Is it because you found out I became the other woman? Is it because you found out I caused a marriage to end? You believed every single one of these lies, and you let them dictate your feelings towards me; your feelings towards our friendship. He broke up with me then became angry when I wouldn’t take him back, spreading nasty rumors about me in his wake. Why is that so hard to believe? I thought best friends had each others’ backs no matter what…

I texted you and got no response. I sent you snap chats and received no comments back. I told you in advance I was going to be in town and you refused to make time for me. Each time you let me down, my heart broke a little more. That’s why I stopped; I felt as though I became nothing more than a bother and I couldn’t take your rejection any longer. I didn’t stop trying because I stopped caring; I stopped because it hurt too much.

Even if I never get to see you again, I hope you live a full and happy life. I hope the people you surround yourself with know just how luck they are to call you friend. I hope your dream of becoming a full-time pet sitter/wedding planner/restaurant owner/horse whisperer becomes real. You deserve every happiness this world has to offer. And above all, I hope you know your worth, because to me, you will forever be irreplaceable.

Until we meet again my friend,

– Your Redheaded Setter